You, Me, and the Banshees
by soyforramen
Summary: Short one-shot: On her way to Ginny's engagement party, Hermione meets an old acquaintance on the train. Who knew Lockheart's books were such an insight into the modern condition?


Short one shot that began on my hard drive about three months ago. Originally this was to be the first chapter of Crispers before the plot veered off into the half-baked plot that it is now.

This one is not necessary an all Muggle cast; I'll leave that up to you whether it is or not. Enjoy and as always, please let me know what you think! (Now to go poke at that Ron/Pansy fic for a while and see if that will go anywhere ...)

xxxx

Hermione shoved her way through the crowded platform, fighting her way towards the doors. She was already running late to help set up Ginny's engagement party and she could only imagine how Mrs. Weasley would take it if she was late to the actual party. As the doors opened, Hermione made her way to the back of the car. She grabbed hold of the pole to balance herself and glared at a group of teenagers trying to make her give up her spot. As the train began to move, she cradled the carefully wrapped gold and maroon package tighter trying to cushion it from the jostling crowd. She didn't think she'd be able to stand it if the tea set Ginny had been eyeing for weeks broke before she made it to the party.

Ten minutes later, the train began to slow down in front of the Nine and Three Quarters Platform at King's Cross, recently renamed at the tenth anniversary for the global bestseller of the same name. As the car began to empty, Hermione breathed a sigh of relief and made her way over to an open seat. She gingerly set the package down on the seat next to her before sitting down next to it and pulling out Gilderoy Lockhart's latest best-seller – _You, Me, and the Banshees_.

Though her inner literary snob shuddered every time she might be caught reading it, the sheer ridiculousness and utter, mostly unintended, hilarity of self-absorbed pretentious self-righteousness of the book kept her coming back for more. In her attempts to fend off largely imagined public scorn, she'd stripped the dust jacket off of the book leaving the book recognizable only at close distances. Besides, she told herself before opening it, if anyone asked she had the greatest alibi available: it was research for her job.

As the train began pulling up to the Warren Street stop, Hermione paused from her reading to glance at those boarding the car. A small family on holiday, American tourists taking pictures of everything, an elderly woman with what looked to be a vulture a top her head, and a shock of familiar red hair on top of a face she hadn't seen in years. Hermione pulled the book up to hide her face, hoping she wouldn't be spotted. When the doors closed, Hermione peeked over the top of her book to find a grinning Fred Weasley sitting across from her.

Hermione slowly lowered her book embarrassed at being caught hiding. Sure, he may have utterly embarrassed her at Bill's wedding seven years ago before going abroad to school in America and she'd vowed to ignore him for the rest of her life. But then again they most likely were both on their way to Ginny and Harry's engagement party and she didn't have it in her to ignore him for the next thirty minutes or so.

"Granger." Fred nodded at her in acknowledgment.

"Weasley," she returned, raising her eyebrows and daring him to make the sort of snide comment he was so fond of.

Fred's grin only widened at her display. She watched as he crossed his right leg over his left and pulled out his own book, setting it down on his lap before Hermione could get a good look at the title. Odd. He'd never been a reader before. Realizing the conversation was over, Hermione went back to her own book, shifting slightly to pull her scarf out from behind her. They rode in silence for another three stops until the car began to slowly fill back up again. Hermione watched as Fred gave up his seat to an elderly man with a long beard only to step over to her side of the car and grab the bar to her left.

Taking the opportunity, Hermione glanced out of the corner of her eye to the book Fred still held and was shocked to realize they were reading the same book.

"How are you reading that?" she asked Fred, pointing to the front cover of the book in his hand.

Fred's ears turned red and he glanced down at the book before looking back at her. He grinned at her trying to deflect his embarrassment. "Contrary to what you may have told everyone at school, I do know how to read."

Hermione dropped her hand. Apparently her ability to say the wrong thing around a Weasley was still as strong as it had been growing up. "No, I know you can read. What I meant was you've far too brilliant a mind to be reading drivel like that."

Fred laughed and stepped a bit closer to her as a woman got off the car. "I think that's the first time you've ever complimented me. And I'll have you know that this book," he let go of the bar above him to tap the book only to almost lose his footing as the train lurched forward, "is one of the top 25 must read books of the spring according to BBC polls. It is the literary epiphany of a generation struggling to come to terms with modernity, one that really captures what it means to be British in the Twenty-First Century."

Hermione snorted. "And I'm sure even the Queen herself thinks it's worthy of a read."

"Exactly my point. And that is why it's no surprise to me that you're reading the same lovely reflection of humanity as well." Fred pointed to where her own book lay open to a full page picture of the author bravely climbing the Scottish cliffs.

"And I'm sure next you'll tell me that in this post-war era his reflections on the hauntings of various castles throughout the UK is a metaphor for modern man's inability to compete with the rise of machine based economics?"

"Well, yes, of course. And the investigation into whether or not the house in Brighton was haunted is an allegory of a man trying to discover what secrets have been destroying his already unstable family. It really is quite poetic and tragic if you think about it. A lone man looking back to the past only to find that it is really his future he should be looking at."

Hermione laughed at the absurdity of Fred's musings. "It really is a crap book, isn't it?"

Fred's eyes flew open in shock and his hand flew to his neck as if he were clutching a set of pearls. For a brief second Hermione wondered if he'd actually liked the book. "Miss Granger! Such language and from a prefect! Ten points from Gryffindor."

She rolled her eyes and ignored his outrage. "Yes, because as we all know that's the only highlight of my academic career."

Fred snickered at her tone. "If I'm to be known as the miscreant prankster it's only fair that you'd be known as the rule-abiding stick in the mud."

"Rule-abiding?" Hermione asked. She was almost offended. "I'll have you know Ron, Harry, and I broke 368 of the 723 rules at school and, unlike some other miscreants, we were only caught twice."

"Fair enough. I cede my crown of miscreant to you. I can only hope you wear it as well as George and I did these long years."

"I'll wear it far better, I can guarantee that," Hermione told him haughtily. "But back to the point, how on earth did you get into reading Lockheart? I thought you hated his books when they first came out."

Fred shrugged and adjusted the strap of his messenger. "Let's call it the stupidity of nostalgia for all things British. Did you know it's almost impossible to get good chips in America? And their beer is so watered down I wouldn't even give it to Percy." He glanced down at her book before asking her the same.

"Curiosity, mostly. Everyone had been raving about it and when we went on holiday our last year of secondary it your Mum only brought his books. Ron forgot to load up my bag so I was out a toothbrush and anything to read. I picked up his first one, _Gadding with Ghouls_ , and couldn't put it down I was laughing so hard. I'm surprised the man's brains haven't leaked out of his ears to make room for his arrogance."

Fred chuckled at that. "What, you mean you don't appreciate this lovely reflection of humanity?" He glanced up as the train began to slow down and began cursing under his breath. "Shit, I've missed the stop. Mum'll kill me."

Hermione followed his gaze and found they'd made it to Hounslow Central, three stops past where she needed to get off to reach the Burrow. "She'll kill us both if we're late," Hermione told him, grabbing her bag before picking up Ginny's present.

"She won't kill you. Mum loves you too much. At least with me she has a spare." Fred jerked his head towards the doors and began to make his way towards them. "If we're quick we might still make the exchange."

Hermione followed close behind him out but found it difficult to maneuver the bulky package around everyone. Fred reached back to take the package from her before jogging towards the stairwell. She followed him, cursing her short legs as she lost him at the top of the stairs. Hoping that Fred was still ahead of her, she turned right towards the eastbound platform and ran full out to the other end of the station.

Gasping for breath, Hermione spotted Fred at the end of the platform and she jogged over to him. She watched as the train pulled away, their mad dash across the Underground for naught. As they stood there, Hermione became all too aware of how much taller Fred was now. Even in heels he was still almost a foot taller than her; she didn't recall him being this tall before he'd left. Idly she wondered what Molly had feed her children to make them so tall and she began to regret not eating at the Weasley home more often.

Fred sighed and ran his free hand through his hair. "Sorry, Granger. Looks like you're stuck with me for a bit longer." He motioned over to the benches along the wall and Hermione nodded.

They sat down with the package between them, its gold paper shining in the afternoon light. Hermione breathed in slowly, still trying to catch her breath. Fred glanced over at her before making small talk to fill the silence.

"Tell me what's new in the life of Hermione J. Granger, Esquire. Still trying to save the world?" Hermione groaned. Of course he would ask about the one thing she was trying to avoid. Fred quirked an eyebrow at her. "That bad?"

"Worse," she wailed. "I've applied to every firm in the city, regardless of whether it's for a clerk position or for reception. No one has been hiring lately. Half of my class if unemployed, the other half is working in pubs or shops, and I've been working in a bookstore spending my days trying to explain to parents why they should not buy little Johnny that Shel Silverstein tape." Hermione slumped further down on the bench. "At least Xenophilius is letting me write a few articles for the magazine."

"He's still running that thing? Is it still full of conspiracy theories and Nessie sightings."

"Actually, once Luna took over it's much more focused on current news. Granted, a lot of it is about current sightings of monsters and faeries rather than what's happening in Parliament, but it is gaining new followers. Xenophilius's articles are still some of the most popular ones though."

"Huh. I didn't know Luna had taken it over. Last I'd heard she and Neville were looking for snails and flowers in Australia."

Hermione looked at Fred. Surely someone had told him before now. "Luna and Neville broke up about three years ago. She's been dating Ron for about a year now. He's thinking about proposing after the wedding."

Fred looked at her, surprise evident on his face. "Ron and Luna? I always figured you and Ron would end up together."

"Didn't we all?" Hermione muttered, more to herself. She waved her hand as if to wave away the past. "It never would have worked out anyways. By the time he got around to saying anything he was already packed up and ready to leave for Dublin University and I was about to start at Cambridge. It was like everything else between the two of us: the timing was all wrong."

Fred let out a large burst of air and scratched the back of his neck. "Sorry to hear that. If I'd have known that was how it'd end up, I'd have done something sooner."

Hermione glanced over at him when he trailed off and she noticed his ears had gone red. She started to ask what exactly he'd have done sooner when Fred stood and began walking towards the edge of the platform as the next train began to pull up. Hermione stood and followed him. She made a mental note to ask him about it later.

As they stood in silence waiting for the doors to open, Hermione realized that it was up to her to continue the conversation. She cleared her throat before asking "And what has the infamous Fred Weasley been up to lately?"

Fred grinned as he sat down but he didn't look at her. "Well, graduated last May with a master's in electrical engineering, almost had a wall crush me at a job site and went into a coma for twelve weeks, and then Mum flew over and refused to leave my apartment until I agreed to come back home."

"I remember that. George was sick with worry and Ginny couldn't stop crying about it."

Fred grimaced. "It really was an accident, but after that I couldn't stand being away from home again. So I came back, opened up a shop with George over in Islington and decided to help Mum and Dad out around the house, especially now with Ginny's situation. Not like she'll be able to help them out much longer anyways."

Hermione gave him a small smile. "I know they're happy to have you back. Especially Ginny. You always were her favorite you know."

Fred chuckled. "Only because I let her play rugby with us and snuck her some licorice ropes. Besides, it's not every day your little sister gets married to the famous Harry Potter. I had to come back and beat some sense into that thick skull of his. He can't keep chasing after criminals once the baby's come."

Hermione sighed and slumped back into her seat. "She told you? Oh thank god. I'd thought I'd die trying to keep it a secret from everyone today. Harry's over the moon but he hates the idea your parents would be disappointed in them."

Fred's jaw dropped. "Gin's up the duff?"

Hermione's stomach fell to the floor as she realized she'd just spilled the beans to the worst secret keeper ever. "You mean you didn't know? Oh god, please don't tell anyone. You can't even tell George! You have to promise me. Swear you won't tell anyone! Gin will kill me and Harry knows all the best places to hide a body!"

Fred's shock quickly changed to amusement. He began to grin that slow treacle grin she recognized from childhood as a warning sign. She was trapped and he knew it.

"Oh, I think not, Ms. Granger. You're not getting off that easily. At least not without giving up something on your end."

The blood drained from her face as she realized she was about to become the Weasley twin's newest test subject. The image of poor Neville holding a device guaranteed to increase brain power flashed through her mind; he still couldn't feel his toes. Just as she was about to break and offer her first born child instead, he laughed.

"Nothing as bad as you're thinking Granger. We just need another hand to help us out and with a mind as brilliant as yours we can't go wrong. It's only going to be things George and I can't always cover – inventory, organization, selling on the floor. Pretty much what you're doing now with your bookstore only you'll be able to make things as complicated as your pretty little head could ever hope to."

Hermione sighed in relief. "Fine, but you can't tell a soul."

Fred only grinned. "I wouldn't dream of it, Granger."


End file.
